hmm... ever wondered where the universe came from? ....my bet is Tesco... you can get ANYTHING in that place!
What was the first person who ever milked a cow thinking? And, indeed, what the hell possessed them to drink it?!
Did the first people/monkeymen who ever had sex think they were part of a living jigsaw puzzle?
What kind of sadistic arse-head invented neutering your pets?!
What kind of change happens in someones life that they want to do something as drastic as becoming a teacher?!
There is no 'normal', only yourself and weird people.
Aren't dead people fantastic? They're the only community in the world who get to lay on their backs everyday and no-one says anything. Yet if, say, a student did that, they would get more work or a detention.
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
If a machine for making toast is called a toaster, when you put it in a microwave, would it just be warm bread?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out of it's butt"?
Do you think Adam experimented with animals before he met Eve? I mean he had to do SOMETHING to pass the time...
If near-enough ALL pizzas are round, why the HELL do they persist in giving us those square boxes?!
Ever thought about the saying- 'I don't give a rat's ass'?... Who the hell wants to recieve one?!
Ever stopped and considered the actual concept of Santa Claus? He's an unshaven, overweight bloke who spies on children, gets them to sit on his lap and is always talking about 'hos'. Not to mention his 'bulging sack' and 'coming down your chimney'. Sound slightly dodgy to you? Its no wonder kids resort to drugs when they are taught about fat blokes that spy on them and 6 foot bunnies that give them chocolate eggs. They get taught about dealing at a very early age anyway.... 'how?!' I hear you cry! The tooth fairy. Yes, thats right. Little children are already being taught how to deal on the sly by selling their teeth to that little fairy that flies into their room at night. I just wonder what they think the fairy actually DOES with the teeth.
Death is for life, not just for christmas
People say that elephants never forget... but, with no disrespect to elephants, what the hell have they got to remember?!
Why, in horror films, do the victims of the murderer / psycho / insane creature from beyond the toilet bowl, always scream out 'PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!'? Do they expect the killer to be sympathetic? Just walk away and leave them with a handwritten apology?
You always see adverts for stuff like Coca Cola, Tesco's oven ready chicken, etc... But WHEN was the last time you saw an advert for spoons?
'Having trouble scooping things out of bowls and tins? Try Spoonsİ From the makers of Knives and Forks'
If Barbie is supposed to be so popular, why do people have to buy her friends?
If people get depressed and feel blue... what happens to Smurfs? And what would happen if you choked one?
People are getting so hygiene conscious these days... I'm pretty hygiene conscious myself... well, I'm conscious that my lack of hygiene creates things with consciousness.
Most people seem scared of getting old, I personally cannot wait till I can lean over to my carer in a posh restaurant and proudly shout at the top of my voice, 'I just pissed myself, HA! Deal with it, Slave!'.
Why do people say 'In your own words'? What a stupid thing to say! Why would I have my own words? Who the hell would I talk to? The next time someone asks you to explain something in your own words, do it! 'Oh, smeglee bolgie. Killeejoo McPloppy Derbergery'. See what reaction you get.
I've always thought that 'Do these jeans (or whatever) make me look fat?' is a pretty stupid question. No, it's your ass that makes you look fat. Your poor jeans are doing all they can to contain it!
Always buy someone you like 1 more drink than they actually want. 'Go on, get another', 'No, I couldn't', 'You must. One more drink for her, please'. Then quickly pay and run back to your house with them. You must run because there's a fine line between 'I must have you' and 'I don't feel too good'. If you don't run, you'll be halfway home, they're saying 'Oh, I want you, I must have you!', you're thinking 'Oh, yes, yes, YES!'. Then suddenly 'BLEUGH!'... 'Oh...no, no, no'.
Our scheduled broadcast must be interupted by this marvellous insight into the world of Goldfish. Our reporters have logged a snippet of a conversation between two found floating aimlessly in a bowl at approximately 21:30 this evening. We now bring you this news flash:
'Ooh, look at that underwater castle!'
'Whats a castle?'
'More to the point, whats it doin' underwater?'
'Bloody hell! I'm drowning!!'
'Who are you?'
'Who am I? I'm more interested in what that castle's doing underwater'
'What castle?'
'I'm sorry, your name is?'
'Ooh! Look at that underwater castle!'
You know the one phone call you get when you get arrested? Why do all these people waste it on their parent or brother or whatever? Me? I would phone the police station and call in a bomb scare.
When you die, your whole life is supposed to flash before your eyes. I can see one problem with that. You'd go through your whole life: birth, school, reading this, 1st job, marriage, 2nd job, divorce, a truck speeding at you. Then your life would play over to you again. I see a loop here!! Theres a sure fire way to get into heaven if God exists, too. Every third week or so, spend the afternoon staring at a picture of yourself giving some money to the homeless or helping an old lady across the road. That way, when your life flashes in front of your eyes, God will get subliminal messages of you being helpful and kind! I plan to walk backwards for the last 10 years of my life- that way when he's watching my life he'll think his video players f*cked!
Flash Files
Obviously must have Flash enabled
An introduction I made to the Splendiferous GLOVE SHACK!!
Yet another introduction the the Shack... this one a matrix parody.
Other Random Stuff
My random Dragon Poem
My random Theory behind the elusive Merchickens!
Which Naruto Character Are You?
Test by naruto - kun.com
Take the quiz: "What kind of chicken are you???"
You are the dancing chicken.
You just wanna shake your tail feathers. You tend to dance around questions and not answer them directly, but you're oh so damn fun!
Click here for some of the random things I happen to have drawn in my random spare time.
Click here for some music! It opens in your default music player (Windows Media Player, Quicktime etc...)
